DISCLAIMER: This product is meant for educational purposes only.  This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of any human alive or dead, myself, my friends, my dog, my car, my computer, or my parrots but don't quote me on that, in fact don't quote me on anything.  All rights reserved.  Quantities are limited while supplies last.  My mind is subject to change without notice.  Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental.  This website is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted.  No preservatives added.  If ingested, do not induce vomiting.  If symptoms persist, consult physician.  Slippery when wet.  Disclaimer does not cover hurricane, lightning, flash fires, earthquakes, acid rain, floods, and other Acts of God.  Other restrictions may apply.  Some assembly required.  Batteries not included.  Contents may settle during shipment.  Use only as directed.  Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.  Subject to approval.  This is not an offer to sell securities.  Apply only to affected area.  May be too intense for some viewers.  For recreational use only.  Subject to change without notice.  No postage necessary if mailed in the United States.  As seen on TV.  One size fits all.  Colors may, in time, fade.  For official use only.  Not affiliated with the American Red Cross.  Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform.  At participating locations only.  Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.  Avoid contact with skin.  Sanitized for your protection.  Employees and their families are not eligible.  Beware of dog.  No purchase necessary.  Use only in well-ventilated area.  Keep away from fire or open flame.  Approved for veterans.  Some equipment shown is optional.  Not recommended for children.  Prerecorded for this time zone.  Reproduction strictly prohibited.  No solicitors.  No alcohol, dogs, or horses.  Driver does not carry cash.  Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only.  No shoes, no shirt, no service.  Decision of judges is final.

If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on.

This supersedes all previous notices.